Away We Go: Lasts
Why do we assign so much importance to what happens at the end? Why do the feelings in the last few minutes count for more than the thousands that came before? Why does a last meal mean any more than the second to last? Or that breakfast two months ago?
It’s as if a good "last" could make up for any shortcomings beforehand. Or a poor ending could negate all the good things that happened along the way.
Why should I be pressured into feeling those times hold more significant? Is it out of guilt that I didn’t appreciate all the ones that led up to it? Is it because when we're close to the end we actually look around and say, yeah, hey, this is good? I’m being thrown into a cold river but don’t mind so much because I know I won’t feel that way again. This river’s being diverted and I’m not going with it.
“How will the last few days and hours unfurl? How hard will I try to make them what I think they should be? What will they reveal and not reveal about what came before? ”
Maybe we cling to the finalities that are certain. Every day we walk through fields of lasts that fall unnoticed into the cracks between the minutes. I don't remember the very last time I changed a diaper. I do remember my graduation day. There are marked ends and those that that pass unheeded.
So when I know it’s coming, there’s an effort to try to mold it into something perfect. It’s an exercise in futility and an attempt to control. A way to shake my fist at the universe and shout that I'll have my say over this moment, dammit.
Turns out the universe has lasts every day too. But those days are not the same as yours and mine. It certainly doesn't mark them by the same rise and set because that cycle doesn't exist as anything knowable to our human minds.
I’ve experienced a few of those lasts recently. There will be another post next week with a more specific take but it’s the end of summer camp - hundreds of days of Away We Go are coming to a close.
What will I miss? What won’t I miss? What will I be able to say was true when I put the car in park and reset the trip meter? How will the last few days and hours unfurl? How hard will I try to make them what I think they should be? What will they reveal and not reveal about what came before?
Inspired by events in Fort Smith, Arkansas.
Share to